Arthur Kalmeyer (art_of_arts) wrote,
Arthur Kalmeyer
art_of_arts

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АМЕРИКАНСКИЙ ЮМОР

 
 
1.   IT HAS FINALLY ARRIVED!
A Keyboard for Old Retired Guys



2.   THE PIANO PLAYER

A ragged, old derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar, stinking of whiskey and cigarettes. His hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.

"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was an F-4 Crew Chief, flying off carriers back in 'Nam, but when they retired the Phantom, all the thrill was gone; soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to play the piano at Chief's Club happy hours, so here I am." The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try.

The seedy Chief staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced.

What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place. The bartender took the old Chief a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played. "It's called 'Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm
Going Balls To The Wall For You'," he said. After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he added: "I wrote it myself."

The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the Chief acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, 'Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light.'

He launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. Afterward, he announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, 'Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Center Line.' Then he excused himself and went to the head.

When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey Chief, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?" "Know it?" the old Chief replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"


3   THE NAKED TRUTH ABOUT PRIORITIES

          Gotta love Jewish humor and if you have
          any NYC blood in your veins, it is even funnier!


A drunk woman, stark naked, jumps into a taxi in New York City. The taxi driver, who happened to be an old Jewish man, opens his eyes wide, stares at the woman, but makes no attempt to start the cab.

She says to him, "What's wrong with you honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old man says "Lady, I'm not staring at you, I am telling you, det vould not be proper vair I come from."

She says, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs sweetie, what are you doing then?"

"Vell, - replies the taxi driver, - I am looking and I'm looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride."


4.   PLAYIN' HARD TO GET


Tags: Америка, юмор
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