Arthur Kalmeyer (art_of_arts) wrote,
Arthur Kalmeyer
art_of_arts

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ЮМОР ДЛЯ АНГЛОЯЗЫЧНЫХ ДРУЗЕЙ

WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
- Winston Churchill

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
- Clarence Darrow

He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
- Groucho Marx

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
- Mark Twain

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... If you have one".
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill...
Churchill's response: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one".

I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.
- Stephen Bishop

He is a self-made man and worships his creator.
- John Bright

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
- Irvin S. Cobb

He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.
- Samuel Johnson

He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.
- Paul Keating

He had delusions of adequacy.
- Walter Kerr

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?
- Mark Twain

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
- Mae West

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
- Oscar Wilde


DEPRECIATING ASSET

What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy.

I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250K. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to Central Park West. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms...

- What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings.

- Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really "plain jane" boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY.

Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 432279810

CAPITALIST PIG'S RESPONSE TO THE PostingID 432279810

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament. Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump."

I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.


HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?

Just try this - it's from an orthopedic surgeon and it will boggle your mind. You will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't. It's preprogrammed in your brain!

1. WITHOUT anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY) and while sitting where you are in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction!

I told you so!! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.
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